Stop Playing Games

This blog is VERY near and dear to my heart. I asked several of my friends, those who are in fulfilling relationships and marriages currently who came from various relationships that weren’t God-honoring, and single individuals so I could get a well-rounded idea. I want this blog to be the most relatable thing I have ever written. Through this blog and business I long to point to the Lord and bring glory to Him. I pray that whoever is reading this, God is working through you and that you see His faithfulness through reading. 

The holiday season might not be the most fun as a single person. I remember in high school, all I wanted was to have someone to hold me and keep me warm as we walk around at the River of Lights or play around in the snow. There is something about the holidays that businesses market towards couples and getting gifts for your significant other. The holidays are a sweet time for me as I am in a healthy relationship but if you are struggling where you are in your relationship I want to share some encouragement and things I have realized since being in this beautiful and fulfilling relationship. Not only do I want to be open and honest with my blog and business, I want to be a source of encouragement. 

In my previous relationship, I played a lot of games so I felt like I could have control and diminish whatever heart break was coming for me. Some examples would be:

-Texting in General: There are lot of ways to be petty over texting so I am going to bring up a couple of points that I know we are all guilty of. 

• Not Texting Significant Other as Much as I Would Like to Out of Fear of Being Annoying: I would rely too much on my own emotions and assume that my boyfriend didn’t want to hear from me.
  

• Waiting to See if the Significant Other Texts First: Let me explain this one. I used to be the one to always text my ex-boyfriend first and I would hardly get a text back because of his schedule so I eventually stopped texting first and just waited for him to text me. It’s super schemey and I would be waiting the whole day for a text but I realized that it doesn’t matter who texts first or who doesn’t.
  

• Keeping a Track Record on How Long it Takes Significant Other to Text Back: I am super guilty of this, well at least I was. I was upset because I was putting thought and effort into texting my SO (Significant Other) and it would be hours, and hours, and h o u r s until I got a response and, yes I know this is super childish, but once I finally got a response, I wasn’t relieved, but more so angry. I was angry that they weren’t putting in that same amount of effort. I would have to wait to reply so I could reply with love instead of frustration. I was acting selfishly and focusing on my needs instead of my SO’s needs. I didn’t think a lot as to why I didn’t get a text message back but went into worst case scenario that I was the problem and that I wasn’t good enough. This really goes into the fact that I was putting my identity in the relationship and this other person. I was hurt because I didn’t get a text message back? If you are in that place right now, I encourage you to take a moment to pray. Reanalyze why you might feel uneasy about a simple text message. Your identity is and should be in your Creator, Savior, and Father alone.
  

-Hiding Things From the Past to Protect the Current Relationship: When I broke up with my ex, I was so focused on what he had done wrong to make our relationship fail and I wasn’t healing properly because I was blaming him. I kept asking God why I didn’t feel completely at peace. Something that God brought to light and revealed to me was that I was hiding in sin and how I was also to blame for the hurt in that relationship. In the time of singleness that God provided, I was able to share what I had gone through in my relationship and really lean into the Lord. It isn’t easy to be vulnerable with another person but once you start to open up, sharing testimonies and revealing times you are uncomfortable or fearful, the relationship is THAT much more God-honoring. God can start a process of healing the moment you come out of the shadows and not hide in your fears.

On the flip side of this, there are times where we can bring up our own or our significant other’s past mistakes. We can hold them over their head due to our own fear of assuming that whatever happened, might happen again. As a believer, that isn’t glorying to our Creator because we aren’t living as if we have been forgiven. There are plenty of situations where I have been the one to bring up their past mistakes. It doesn’t produce any type of healing but can back track. The way that I viewed the other person wasn’t in love or mercy. The other person felt betrayed because I wasn’t being honest with my own distrust. Be aware with your words and areas where you might feel uneasy and bring them to light in a God-honoring way. 

Something that coincides with this topic is trying to keep up a good mood with your SO or not being honest all the time about your feelings. The most important thing in any relationship, is open and honest communication. Whoever you are with should want to know how you are doing at all times of the day and if you are fearful to communicate honestly about whatever feelings you may have, it isn’t healthy. My friend shared with me that in her previous relationship, she would tell her boyfriend what she assumed he wanted to hear. Something I was super fearful with when I broke off my previous relationship was having to start over and have another person learn everything about me. I am sinful and not a delight most of the time and I had somebody who dealt with that and wanted to be in a relationship with me in those.

-Jealously and Doubt: I asked my friend, who has had a lot of difficulties in relationships in the several years I have known her. Now she is a wonderful relationship with a guy who appreciates all that God made her to be. She said “I never used to be jealous or had doubts about my relationships until I got cheated on. And after I got cheated on, I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone or give a piece of myself again because I didn’t want to get hurt. I was living in fear and that isn’t how God intended relationships to be. So now I’m dating (my boyfriend) and there was a text that came through his phone and I was bothered by it and all the memories and feelings about being cheat on came back. And I fought with (him) even though he reassured me this person was a friend from his childhood and there was nothing to be worried about. I know this guy loves me and cares for my heart but jealously and doubts come up sometimes and it’s unhealthy for you, your life, your partner and your relationship. The Word says ‘love is not jealous. And love never fails.’”

-Relying on Other People for Certainty and Information: I reached out to a dear friend who has been single her whole life. She shared some honest words: “I struggle to be single because I obviously want a family and husband. But sometimes I want to chase after that and find it for myself, rather than just seeking Christ. Ultimately, I’m full and completed in Him but turning to my friends who are believers and have what I want gets me annoyed. I tend to put myself down rather than filling myself with truth.” What goes alongside with what she said, she mentioned that she reaches out to people that are close to the ones she likes and sometimes “they will give you false information. They make you believe they’re interested even if they haven’t told you. Then they turn around and say they didn’t say anything that could have lead you on.”

On the flip side to this issue is listening to wise-counsel. God places individuals in our life to give us advice that is Biblical so if you are in a rough spot and can’t view the situation from a neutral spot, considering advice from other believers is super important. A dear friend shared that when her previous relationship was reaching a “physically abusive and emotionally manipulative” place, her friend told her what was up. When we are in fragile spots such as that, it is easy to think that there is no escaping and we are alone. BUT there are close friends or family that can see the situation from afar and gracefully approach you and offer advice. When the relationship isn’t aligning with what the Lord clearly reveals in the Word,  and your friend shares the same words to you for advice, then you can trust that. My friend shared "yes, be intentional with dating but people change during the seasons and…if I hadn’t heeded my friend’s advice, I probably would have stayed with the wrong guy”.

-Being Petty on Social Media: Ooohhh I know that I just stepped on some toes. I just see and know that when friends are going through difficult times in their relationship or feeling lonely they set to social media and post a black screen with some white text and say things like “Gosh I can’t believe I loved you”, “Really fed up with all of this drama”, “Anyone wanna talk?” or anything in between. That is a moment where you let your emotions grab a hold of you and you don’t pray and let God fill you with peace. Another instance of this is when someone isn’t texting you back and you see if they are on social media and, if they are, instantly start stalking them to see if they aren’t being honest with you or are trying to avoid you. Just be honest with them. Trust the person you are in a relationship with, if they haven’t given you any reason to not trust them. Don’t force yourself into anger or frustration for no reason.

-Expectations and Boundaries: This is such a big issue. The amount of conversations I have had with other believers in relationships about this issue is encouraging cause no is alone, but it is frustrating because how can we step into a healthy place. In my last relationship, boundaries were crossed to a point I never knew I would ever go. I continued to compromise because I was honestly worried that my ex would break up with me or decide that he couldn’t deal with me. (I know now that if I thought that, there was something wrong with that relationship.) My friend shared that in her previous relationship she would “constantly remind [her] ex to respect those boundaries whereas with [her current boyfriend] he knows not to cross them". Be clear with your expectations for each other and the boundaries. I know that my ex said a couple times “if you really love me, then you would do this” and so I gave in because I was fearful if I were to say no. I am not putting any blame on him because I agreed but friends, if you are in a relationship where physical boundaries are being pushed even after conversations regarding comfortability, seriously consider if this a relationship worth pursuing.

Sharing some wisdom from the ultimate source of truth:

Song of Solomon 8:6-7: “Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised."

Ephesians 5:25-33: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, ..."

1 Corinthians 13:4-5: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

1 Corinthians 13:2: “If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing."

1 John 4:16: “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them."

Hebrews 10:24-25: “’And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another’ and all the more as you see the Day approaching."

Something else that came up in conversations is, especially in Christian communities, there is this unspoken assumption that the first person you should date, should be the person you are going to marry. I definitely felt that and so I kept giving grace to my ex despite the horrible heartbreak I felt. Being in the relationship was much more draining than it was fulfilling. In the conversations that I had with people who mentored me, leaders, friends and close friends, I felt a peace about breaking off the relationship because it was a thought within those conversations, not a reality. When I finally broke off the relationship, it was a rush of every emotion: frustration, sadness, peace, understanding and I didn’t feel as heavy. I was glad that I didn’t have to worry about whatever hurt I was going to deal with. Even though I felt peace, I felt ashamed to share publicly that I was no longer in a relationship because that means that I wasn’t going to marry that person and I knew that there would be people, who would view that in a negative way, without knowing the full story. I had a fear to break up the relationship because there would have to be sins that would eventually come into the light. I was fearful as to what would happen and if another guy would embrace me and forgive me for those sins. But friend, knowing where I was, and where God has me, I know that is a lie from satan himself. His plan is to make us feel shame and believe that we can’t be forgiven. He wants us to hide in the darkness but from experience, once those come into the light, there is so much healing and freedom. God is so good friends. 

These are areas that I know I have struggled with, my friends have struggled with and continue to struggle with as well. This blog isn’t meant to be a “Hey, these are things that I realized were hurting me so I stopped”. No, I have to daily surrender my pride to the Lord so He can work through me for His glory. It is important to give yourself grace in these areas and ask for forgiveness from the Lord. If a relationship is centered around God, forgiveness is always present. No matter what amazing person God puts in your life, they are still a sinner and will wrong you, big or little, whether or not it be intentional. But because Christ loved us first, we can love and forgive in love. 

I don’t know where you may be in life, whoever may be reading this, but you don’t have to settle. You don’t have to play games in order to have someone like you or keep being interested in you. I believe that we know when we are in a good place and a good relationship, so if you are struggling with any of these, stop, pray and ask God to give you peace and assurance that only He alone can provide. I am in no way trying to speak at whoever is reading this but trying my best to continue to take this advice myself. No one is without sin and so I rely fully on my God to heal the hurt that is within me so I can better serve Him. 

[Thank you so much to those of you who helped contribute to this blog post! Praying for God’s continuous faithfulness through and for you!]