God Knows... Pt. 1
In the past, I’ve written lots of blogs on relationships and the guys I have dated. It was a way for me to process the goodness of God in and out of those relationships. I think for me recently, I have been so in awe of who God is, I’ve been confused that He loves me as much as He does. That He has given me so much grace to give me another chance to be sought after and pursued by the most wonderful man I have ever met and loved. I find it hard, as sinful as I am, as fearful as I am, as disgraceful as I am, that Yahweh would let me be loved for and cared by one of His sons.
I guess I have been scared ever since I started dating again, that I would jinx the relationship by blogging about it because I don’t know the future. But God being God, I am engaged. Let’s jump to a year ago. One year ago, I was crying everyday of the summer. I was at camp, leading campers in hikes, activities and Bible studies. Every single week I shared my testimony and how God was shaping me currently. I shared that I was recently broken up with. I had put all of my hope and trust in that relationship. I was hoping to be engaged by the end of that summer and then I could start a new life and everything would work out. Well, of course, that didn’t happen and we broke up. I was so confused. I felt like I was starting over in everything.
But I learned that I wasn’t trusting that relationship to the Lord.
I was focused on what I wanted.
I wanted my own timing.
I thought I knew better.
I was blinded by the fact that I didn’t trust God with my life in that season. God had to break me to show me that in every single season, no matter where I live, no matter how old I am, no matter what my relationship status is, God is all I will ever have. He alone is who I can put my trust in. He alone provides all I need in His perfect timing. He knows my deepest desires and won’t hurt me. He is my ultimate comforter.
I had to go through the whole summer learning those truths of God. I cried with friends, I cried with strangers. I cried during worship, I cried in the mountains. I was broken that I forgot who I was to the Lord. I was saddened that I let God be my crutch, not my constant friend. I began to entrust my life to the Lord, even in the unknown.
I finished the summer, trusting that God would take me where He wanted to take me. Lots of people wanted me to work at Glorieta for the fall and spring, but I was VERY against it. I didn’t want to have an intern position that would be difficult and not the most fun. So I moved back home. In the first week, I felt God pulling me to go back. He was calling me to do that job I was so against. I asked around about it, within two weeks I was interviewed, hired and moved out there again. I knew what I was getting myself into but God had other plans.
I moved out there with the intention to let God use me and to pour into the younger girls that I would be working with, no matter what that looked like. I said “yes” to God’s calling. It was not easy, I was confused that I was back even though I left two weeks before. But there I was, doing the hard jobs no one wants to do at camp. THEN, here comes this guy named Isaiah who moved away from camp, then decided to come back to work this job. Isaiah left this high paying job with stability, to work at camp, to have the same position I had. He felt God calling him back to camp as well. We became friends fast because we started planning to make videos for camp. That is what we were passionate about, so we quickly started creating things together for camp. We hung out a lot during work and after work. In the back of my mind, I shoved down thoughts like “I could see myself dating him” because I knew God called me back to Glorieta to serve. I didn’t want a relationship to get in the way of that. He has the type of personality and intentionality that I knew that he liked me WAY before he told me but I tried not to think anything of it. I was literally planning a future with someone else 4 months before, so why would God put me in a place to be in another relationship. The thought of starting over in a new relationship, learning their habits, them learning how sinful I actually am, just seemed exhausting. So I just decided I wasn’t going to think about it at all.
Then Isaiah tells me that he likes me and could see himself dating me. He asked me what I thought and I said “I don’t know…” and basically just friend-zoned him. I was afraid what people would think of me if I started dating someone so soon after being broken up with. I was afraid what would happen if I started dating again, and it didn’t work out…a g a i n. I was trying to be obedient to where God placed me but was full of fear because the timing didn’t seem appropriate. Isaiah was so kind, even though his heart literally fell out of his body and I trampled it with my words. Isaiah continued to be my friend. He didn’t push me into a relationship. He was so kind and pursued me even in friendship. There were many instances where he and I were able to pour into the people we worked with. We listened to their problems and gave them Biblical advice. I started to get glimpses of what it could look like to be in a relationship with him and how we could actually pour into others together.
Isaiah was clear with how he felt about me.
Isaiah was kind, to me and to everyone around him.
Isaiah was joyful even with everything he endured in his life.
Isaiah sought the Lord with his whole heart and wanted people to join in with that.
I was so against a relationship with him at first but God started softening my heart. I’ll be honest and say, I did not want God to soften my heart. I was scared I would be hurt again. I would rather sit in my fear of what I think I know is best than let God take me somewhere new. I talked to my close friends of what they think I should do. They all said to wait to pursue a relationship. My body and mind felt so at peace with that answer. But God was calling me the opposite way. He was changing my heart to be in a relationship. I was so confused. I didn’t understand this timing. Isaiah kept telling me that God is bold. God doesn’t do things that make sense to us. He does bold things to point others to Him. So I began to let go of what the world thought, and started pouring more into who God is and His promises. He doesn’t promise to tell us who to date. He doesn’t promise to tell us we won’t be broken up with. He is gracious. He is our provider. He alone is trustworthy.
One day, I just had overwhelming peace about starting a relationship with Isaiah, I knew it was the Holy Spirit because I couldn’t explain it. At that time, Isaiah and I, along with our Keaton from camp, we were all in Denver for a Jonas Brothers concert. I didn’t do anything about my peace except text my mom that I wanted my parents to meet Isaiah and hear his testimony. I wanted them to understand that God brought this man into my life for His glory, even though the timing doesn’t make sense. I was expecting a joyous response. But instead, in the middle of the Denver REI, my mom texted me that she was concerned I wasn’t making the right decision and that she would meet Isaiah, but still didn’t think it was a good idea to start dating. [It’s funny looking back now because it felt so detrimental, because Isaiah and I were literally crying on the second story of this REI. Keaton was walking around the store trying to look like she was shopping, but was lowkey concerned for us hahahahahaha.] Anyway, we had dinner with my parents just a few days after our cry fest in Denver. Isaiah was so patient, even though he was terrified. He shared his testimony with my parents, they asked him questions to make sure he wasn’t a psycho trying to hurt their daughter. They said they weren’t sure if we should start dating, but that we were adults and could do what we wanted. WHAT A WEIRD SITUATION TO BE IN. I was literally so torn. I didn’t want to disappoint my parents but I also had peace from GOD. GOD OF THE UNIVERSE WAS CALLING ME INTO A RELATIONSHIP. So I asked Isaiah if he wanted to start dating, and he started crying.
This isn’t a simple story to tell so I am posting it in two parts! Stay tuned for part two coming SOON.