I started writing this blog two months ago when life was normal. When my daily routines weren’t being disrupted. When my friends still had jobs. When I was able to plan for the weekend or two weeks from now. Everything I felt two months ago feels completely insignificant to what is happening now. Every fear I had two months ago, doesn’t feel as scary as to what is going on now. I could have never thought that life would look like this in my lifetime. Nothing feels real. Going to the store takes mental preparation. I was yelled at the store the day I started to rewrite this blog for not wearing a mask. My words and feelings seem insignificant especially during this time of everything happening. I want to serve others better through all of this but feel paralyzed with my anxiety and fears.

I want to be encouraging but also be real. I want to love others but I’m emotionally exhausted from just surviving. I want to be authentic but I don’t want to scare people away from how I am handling all of this. Hence “The Push and Pull”. I can imagine this blog will be all over the place because that is how life feels but I want to share some truths that God has been revealing and reminding me of especially in the past several months. It’s kind of actually amazing reading what I was processing a couple months ago because it all ties in so smoothly to how the world should be processing right now.

I was planning on sifting through what I wrote before and making it relevant to today but I will just share exactly what I wrote two months ago with the hope that God will speak to you.

“I like to be in control. Who doesn't? The past year God has shown me that isn’t possible. I can’t actually be in control of what is happening around me. I can only control my own attitude, emotions, reactions, actions and whatever else I can control. I can not, however, control how other people view me, how they talk about me or if they are clean or not. I can not control when or why people decide to leave me. I can not control what my job entails. I can not control the amount of money that I make in one particular job. I can not control my car and when it will decide to stop working. I can not control when I want something or anything to happen. This reality of not being able to control much, s t r e s s e s m e o u t. I will tell you why and what God has shown me about myself.

I’m gonna be one of *those* people and bring up the enneagram. I am an enneagram 6 COMPLETELY. If you don’t know what the enneagram is, look it up because it has been extremely helpful for me to understand better who I am and why I react to situations the way I do and what things I need to continue surrendering to the Lord. If you don’t know what that a six is, sixes are the loyalists. They like to be prepared, they support everyone in their circle, they invite people in, yet at the same time, the biggest weakness of a six is being fearful. Sixes are afraid of fear. We always think of the worst case scenarios. We are always five steps ahead in our brain so when something not so great comes along, we have already thought about it and can feel more prepared and ready with anything. I think for most of my life I have just known I have been anxious. Growing up I had really bad stomach aches which the doctor told my mom was because I was stressing myself out so bad. I’ve always wanted to be perfect at everything and have everyone like me no matter where I was. I wanted to be everybody’s friend, even if they hurt me. These are facts about me, Jade.

BUT

God redeems.

He redeems in His timing. He redeems when it will be the most glorifying to Him. He redeems.

Our Creator, Father, Savior, the One who is holy, mighty, our source of joy and grace, drags us away from the faults we feel so comfortable in. He calls us to higher ground, to set our foundation in Him so we don’t get swept away by a slight breeze of unsettling circumstances. I believe this and I have experienced this. I know God is faithful. I know that He provides what I need even when I don’t know myself. I know that the fears I feel, I can’t always control but God can heal my past hurts and replace it with something much better.

How ignorant of me to think that I know better. How insane of me to assume I can control people. How STUPID of me to believe that my life is only my sin and downfalls. How sad it is for me to forget that I am forgiven.

“I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.” Psalms 40:1-2

“Blessed is the one who persevered under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him.” James 1:12

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23

“But you must resist the devil and stay strong in your faith.” 1 Peter 5:9

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6

Like even right now I am getting full of anxiety writing about myself and how much I suck but am full of joy and assurance knowing that God loves me DESPITE ALL OF THAT.

So, the push and pull of the heart, mind and soul are constantly at work because of knowing the truth of the Gospel and how much God loves me. But also trying to combat the lies that satan throws at me. He throws my sin and fear at me. He tries to pin servants of the Lord against the Lord. He tries and tries but fails. Even though there may be times of discouragement. Even though there may be times of doubt. Even though the world is literally falling apart. God has already won and satan can not hold us down. God has won. God is good.”

I hope that this was as encouraging to you as it has been for me. It’s necessary to step back and remember truth. The truth that everything will be okay because everything is already known by God. It has already been taken care of. This sickness was already known by God. This destruction was already known by God. It gets complicated if you want to ask “Why would God allow this?” but that isn’t the point. The point is that we are held in His hands. We must focus on loving, serving and praying.

Let me know how I can be praying and serving you better in this season.